“For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country,” Michelle Obama told a Milwaukee crowd on February 18th.
Oh MICHELLE, MICHELLE, MICHELLE!
Did you learn nothing from the Dixie Chicks?
When it comes to your country or your president hide your true feelings and LIE, LIE, LIE!
HERE’S A MESSAGE FROM SANTA CLAUS……………
“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, Kids!”
“Can you believe it, Christmas is almost here!”
“We are all very busy in the North Pole. The elves are wrapping the presents, Mrs Claus is baking lots of Christmas cookies and mending my Santa Suit and I am cleaning the sleigh and helping Rudolph and the other reindeer practice their flying for the big day.”
“It won’t be long before I am above the skies of your home on Christmas Eve dropping presents to all you good boys and girls.”
“I hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”
“I love you all very much and will see you soon!”
“Bye!”
“And kids before I forget, don’t you forget to leave me a message telling me what you want for Christmas after the beep.”
(False beep.)
“Whew! It sure feels good to get that shit over with!”
“Now, I can kick back and relax in my Barca lounger with a cold brew and work on my New Year’s resolutions while motormouth is in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies and fixing my Santa suit. Goddamn, that woman can talk! She never shuts the hell up!”
“At times like this, I wish to god that I never married her, but of course the bitch got pregnant so I had no choice!”
“Of course, no sooner than she gets the ring on her finger, she loses the baby so basically I married her sorry-ass for nothing!”
“Figures! I really wanted that kid!”
“-(Personal note to self: Cry like a baby later.)”
“I’ll tell ya’ if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all!”
“Okay Jolly St. Nick, stop it! You need to relax. For an hour or so, try to forget about that loud-ass motormouth bitch that you’re married to and focus on your New Year’s resolutions for 2008.”
(Santa takes a deep cleansing breath.)
“Okay here we go, Santa’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2008.”
-”Stop cheating on the wife with other “ho’s” which is one of the many perks of the job, thank god! In my defense, if I don’t cheat how else am I gonna’ have the son or daughter that I so desperately want because that dumb-ass wife of mine is sterile.”
“-(Personal note to self: Cry like a baby later and call ‘Samantha the Panther’.)”
“-Stop stealing the “good” presents from under the Christmas trees then replacing them with totally “lame” gifts and laughing about it. Ha! Ha! Ha! In my defense, I can’t help it that i’m overworked and underpaid and don’t have the time or money to buy jack-shit!”
“-Get a faster “ride” like a Hummer because Rudolph and the other reindeer are just too damn slow! I’m a player whose got things to do and places to go!”
“-Once I get the Hummer, get some music that my car can bounce to like all those stoned rappers on MTV.”
“-Exercise and eat right every day so that I can become a lean mean fighting machine! (Personal note to self: Tuesday, stay up until 3:00 a.m. so that I can catch one of those infomercials that sell the George Foreman Grill or order it off of his website at igrillwithgeorge.com )”
“-Reward any weight loss with a couple of packages of Hostess Ho-Ho’s and a gallon of chocolate milk.”
“-Change name to “Santy D” or “STD” to increase my street cred and hopefully get a guest spot d-jaying on MTV.”
“-Be more politically correct by eliminating my trademark chant, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” Instead try to say, “Strong Confident Woman! Strong Confident Woman! Strong Confident Woman, except around Mrs. Claus who is nothing but a loud-ass-never-shuts-the-hell-up Ho, Ho, Ho!”
“-Replace my red and white santa hat with a do-rag and my black boots with timberlands to further increase my street cred and hopefully get a guest spot
d-jaying on MTV.”
(Real Beep.)
ZOINKS!
JINKIES!
SCOOBY DOOBIE DOO!
As long as we’re on the subject of “doobies”, have any of you recently smoked one that left the “little head” or the “big head” as big as Scrappy Doo’s?
If So, GOOD FOR YOU and I hope you put it to good use!
If No, then try the mind-blowing stoner recipe below then put it to good use.
(By the by, I know that it is not my place to do this but I am outting FRED JONES of the animated mystery series, “Scooby-Doo, Where Are You.” Hey Fred, don’t hide in the closet! Be proud of being a good-looking gay male who was in love with Shaggy not Daphne and wanted to do a threesome with Scooby Doo! You low-down dirty dog! Wuf! Wuf! Or should I say, “Scooby Doobie Doo!”)
SCOOBY SNACKS
2 cups flour
2 eggs
1 cup quaker dry oatmeal
1 tbsp vanilla
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 pound (1 stick) butter
1 tbsp walnut extract
1 oz. of finely ground cannabis/marijuana
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl. If there is not enough liquid to mix all ingredients after 5 minutes of stirring, add a tiny amount of milk to aid in mixing of remaining ingredients. Taste batter before cooking and adjust amount of sugar to your liking. Place on a lightly greased cookie sheet and bake for 8 to 12 minutes, depending on how large you made your cookies. Can be cooked for a shorter time for chewier cookies, or a longer time for drier, crisp cookies.
BON APPETIT!
