Gay & Lesbian Business Correspondence: How to Write a Resignation Letter!
Dear Employer (otherwise known as slavedriver, tightwad, moneybags, head honcho, big cheese, scumbag, moron, all-around a-hole….)”
“This voicemail is to inform you that I am terminating my employment with your company effective RIGHT NOW!”
(The last two words should be strongly stressed.)
“YEAH, BABY! I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT!”
(The above phrase should be said with glee.)
“As you may have guessed since I quit my job with your company via the impersonal, but extremely satisfying means of communication called ‘the voicemail,’ there’s no friggin’ way that i’m givin’ you idiots 2 weeks notice per company policy.”
“However, since I didn’t give you adequate notice, to be fair, I feel it is my duty to at least help you find the most bug-eyed replacement on the planet, just to help you out in your time of need because that’s the kind of generous person I am.”
“You know you’re gonna’ miss me!”
(You should speak in a mocking/teasing voice.)
“I want with all my heart and generous soul for one of my bug-eyed replacement’s eyebal ls to pop out of the socket and plop right into your eight dollar cup of Starbucks coffee, sunny-side up!”
(Suggested Sound Effects: Include a “plop” sound or drop something into water.)
“Mm-mm good!”
“That would be so cool to see!”
(You should say the above line very enthusiastically.)
“And quite frankly, be exactly what you deserve, scumbag!”
“Plus on the bright and sunny side, it would boost employee morale which is the most important thing!”
(You should say the above line very enthusiastically.)
“So tightwad, do your employees a favor and hire a bug-eyed replacement right away!”
“If in doubt, remember; the Folgers Coffee slogan, ‘The best part of wakin’ up … is Folgers and a nasty eyeball in your cup.”
“I don’t know why but for some reason seeing a nasty eyeball pop out of a socket and plop into the boss’ cup of coffee sunny-side up seems to break up the monotony of a work day.”
“Go figure!”
“Okay, I know that i’m one sick sarcastic puppy but if taking pleasure in seeing an eyeball pop out of a socket into a cup of frothy cappuccino sunny-side up is wrong, I don’t want to be right!”
“I am now going to start talking about that ‘quitting my job with your company’ thing again.”
“I want to take the time to assure you that the decision to quit my job with your company was not an easy one, but rather an EXTREMELY EASY ONE which involved 90 seconds of thought in between taking a leak and nuking some pizza rolls during a commercial break of an old Grey’s Anatomy episode.”
“No, seriously!”
“It was oh so difficult! And i’m being oh so sarcastic!”
(You should speak line in a sarcastic voice.)
“I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I’M FREE!”
(The above phrase should be said with glee.)
“No more ulcers and zits for me!”
“In closing, I want to take the time to express my gratitude for giving me a truly horrible employment experience with your company and with you personally.”
“Subliminal message: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyeballs!”
“I also want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of skills and experience that I acquired at your company and from you personally that will bring me more money, happiness and benefits from my next employer. Thanks alot, moron!”
“Subliminal message: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyeballs!”
“No, seriously!”
“Sincerely,”
“Your former employee (otherwise known as “little toy you like to play with”, peon, slave, lackey, personal punching bag, hack, old workhorse, “innocent flawless hardworking victim.)”
