Mildly successful character actor, Fred Thompson just proves the old adage, “don’t be a stupid-ass and leave your well-paying day job for another job when you have absolutely no chance in hell of getting that job, i.e. becoming the 44th president of the United States.”
To read more of this article please click on “Fred Thompson for President? I don’t think so!”
“If you’re hearing this message it means that you have been fired from your job.”
“Possible reasons why you got canned are:”
“A. Using a company computer to view porno sites and failing to clean up your mess afterwards.”
“B. Sexually harassing ugly co-workers over the age of 30.”
“Sexually harassing ugly co-workers under the age of 29 is completely acceptable and within company guidelines.”
“C. Stealing company property then selling it and not giving the janitor his 50 percent cut.”
“D. It’s an election year and your new boss is a staunch Republican and you’re a no good bleeding heart, tree-huggin’ Democrat.”
“E. It’s an election year and your new boss is a staunch Democrat and you’re a greedy environment-ruining, equal rights bashing Republican.”
“F. You’re a victim of corporate downsizing which means you were fired for no good reason at all.”
“G. Your contract with the company wasn’t renewed because the printer ran out of ink due to all the 50 year old employees photocopying their butts.”
“H. Your body odor and bad breath have been slowly killing the plants.”
“I. You’ve been late arriving at work because of being picked up for drunk driving 81 times and 80 is the company limit.”
“J. You’re salary demands were way too low which is a disgrace to greedy employees everywhere.”
“K. You don’t get along with any of your co-workers because you are the only one there who actually works unlike everybody else who are only there to check their ‘MySpace’ pages, make long distance calls and steal the postage stamps.”
“L. The boss found out that you had sex on the breakroom microwave and didn’t have the decency to tape it and upload it a’la Paris Hilton-style onto the internet for everyone to see!”
“M. You got caught lying about being sick when you were spotted at a Morris Albert concert that same day.”
“P.S. The reason why you were fired wasn’t because you lied, it was because you actually went to see Morris Albert in concert and no company can have their employees engaging in that kind of sick-ass behavior, i.e. Morris Albert and his crappy love song, ‘Feelings’ sucks! Feelings, wo-o-o feelings, wo-o-o, feelings. Feelings, wo-o-o feelings, wo-o-o, feelings.”
“And I hope that this message doesn’t hurt your feelings because as a reminder if you’re hearing this message it means that you have been fired from your job.”
“To put is nicely, you’ve been terminated, dismissed, sacked, let go, axed, kicked to the curb, chucked, discharged and sacked.”
With the 2008 presidential election only a couple of months away, I wonder if there is still time for a major controversy to arise like the “Cop Killer” controversy did back in 1992 that either the Democratic nominee or the Republican nominee can latch onto and take advantage of.
To read more of this article please click on the link below.
“Cop Killer” Controversy
Define irony!
If Eliot Spitzer were an older female having an extramarital affair with a hot young guy half her age, he probably would still be in office.
To read more of this story please click on the link below.
Being a former president, let’s face it, Bill Clinton has experience with first ladies not to mention White House interns, cigars, blue dresses and ugly women in general.
But I digress.
To read more of this article please click on the link below.
Bill Clinton would make a mighty fine First Lady and you know it!
Dear Employer (otherwise known as slavedriver, tightwad, moneybags, head honcho, big cheese, scumbag, moron, all-around a-hole….)”
“This voicemail is to inform you that I am terminating my employment with your company effective RIGHT NOW!”
(The last two words should be strongly stressed.)
“YEAH, BABY! I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT!”
(The above phrase should be said with glee.)
“As you may have guessed since I quit my job with your company via the impersonal, but extremely satisfying means of communication called ‘the voicemail,’ there’s no friggin’ way that i’m givin’ you idiots 2 weeks notice per company policy.”
“However, since I didn’t give you adequate notice, to be fair, I feel it is my duty to at least help you find the most bug-eyed replacement on the planet, just to help you out in your time of need because that’s the kind of generous person I am.”
“You know you’re gonna’ miss me!”
(You should speak in a mocking/teasing voice.)
“I want with all my heart and generous soul for one of my bug-eyed replacement’s eyebal ls to pop out of the socket and plop right into your eight dollar cup of Starbucks coffee, sunny-side up!”
(Suggested Sound Effects: Include a “plop” sound or drop something into water.)
“Mm-mm good!”
“That would be so cool to see!”
(You should say the above line very enthusiastically.)
“And quite frankly, be exactly what you deserve, scumbag!”
“Plus on the bright and sunny side, it would boost employee morale which is the most important thing!”
(You should say the above line very enthusiastically.)
“So tightwad, do your employees a favor and hire a bug-eyed replacement right away!”
“If in doubt, remember; the Folgers Coffee slogan, ‘The best part of wakin’ up … is Folgers and a nasty eyeball in your cup.”
“I don’t know why but for some reason seeing a nasty eyeball pop out of a socket and plop into the boss’ cup of coffee sunny-side up seems to break up the monotony of a work day.”
“Go figure!”
“Okay, I know that i’m one sick sarcastic puppy but if taking pleasure in seeing an eyeball pop out of a socket into a cup of frothy cappuccino sunny-side up is wrong, I don’t want to be right!”
“I am now going to start talking about that ‘quitting my job with your company’ thing again.”
“I want to take the time to assure you that the decision to quit my job with your company was not an easy one, but rather an EXTREMELY EASY ONE which involved 90 seconds of thought in between taking a leak and nuking some pizza rolls during a commercial break of an old Grey’s Anatomy episode.”
“No, seriously!”
“It was oh so difficult! And i’m being oh so sarcastic!”
(You should speak line in a sarcastic voice.)
“I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I’M FREE!”
(The above phrase should be said with glee.)
“No more ulcers and zits for me!”
“In closing, I want to take the time to express my gratitude for giving me a truly horrible employment experience with your company and with you personally.”
“Subliminal message: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyeballs!”
“I also want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of skills and experience that I acquired at your company and from you personally that will bring me more money, happiness and benefits from my next employer. Thanks alot, moron!”
“Subliminal message: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyeballs!”
“No, seriously!”
“Sincerely,”
“Your former employee (otherwise known as “little toy you like to play with”, peon, slave, lackey, personal punching bag, hack, old workhorse, “innocent flawless hardworking victim.)”
“Why is the language in a romance novel so lame? For example…”
“Looking at them made him weak. Her lips were full and lush just begging to be kissed.”
“I would just love it if a romance novel would be more realistic and say…”
“She wore beer-flavored lip gloss on her big-ass lips because she knew that there wasn’t a red-blooded male on earth that woul d pass up a free beer and a little nookie on the side from a good-lookin’ chick.”
“I mean, keep it real!”
“I get so tired of reading romance novels with passages like…”
“It was simply divine. Her womanhood tasted of pungent crushed flowers and dew.”
“BORING!”
“Why can’t they keep it real and say…”
“Her woo-ha tasted wicked nasty as a result of a lingering yeast infection and a
burrito-fueled bowel movement.”
“I’ll never understand why romance novels can’t cut out all the b.s. and be more realistic?”
“From mild-mannered school teacher to smokin’ hot grammy award-winning vocalist.”
“Where did it all go so terribly wrong?”
“SHERYL CROW, PORTRAIT OF A P-E-R-F-O-R-A-T-E-D P-S-Y-C-H-O!”
“Tear it off on the dotted line, honey!”
“To Lance Armstrong bike ornament to break-up with Lance Armstrong roadkill.”
“Where did it all go so terribly wrong?”
“SHERYL CROW, PORTRAIT OF A P-E-R-F-O-R-A-T-E-D P-S-Y-C-H-O!”
“Tear it off on the dotted line, honey!”
“She seemed so sweet.” (Evil Laugh.) “Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“She seemed so tame.” (Evil Laugh.) “Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“Nobody knew that this chick was insane!” (Evil Laugh.) “Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“SHERYL CROW, PORTRAIT OF A P-E-R-F-O-R-A-T-E-D P-S-Y-C-H-O!”
“Tear it off on the dotted line, honey!”
(To read more of this parody of Sheryl Crow’s odd request to conserve toilet paper please click on the link below.)
Toilet Paper Conservation Rules!
CLASSIC TV QUESTIONS:
-Do you know the exact date and time that “Little Ricky Ricardo” was born on “I Love Lucy?”
-Does Aaron Spelling, the creator of the hit 70’s tv show, Charlie’s Angels, still piss you off after having the sheer audacity to replace Farrah Fawcett-Majors with Cheryl Ladd?
-Do you count the hours at work until you can turn on “Nick at Nite” or “Tv Land” and get your daily fix of such classic tv shows as “The Jefferson’s”, “The Love Boat” or the “Brady Bunch?”
If you answered, “yes” to all of these questions, you are truly a classic tv show lover!
And for your total dedication to all of those tv shows that are retro I am going to give you ten tips on how to watch and truly enjoy your favorite classic tv shows.
To read more of this article please click on the link below.
I love Laverne & Shirley, Happy Days, Charlie’s Angels and My Three Sons!
Did you overindulge in too many beers, screwdrivers, boilermakers, long island iced teas, bloody marys, banana daiquiris, mudslides, or wine coolers at the club or swanky restaurant that you recently were at?
Do you feel like stir fried shit because of getting drunk as a skunk?
If so, click on the link below to learn how to get rid of that silly hangover!
Along time ago Evander Holyfield beat George Foreman for the world heavyweight boxing title. Now he’s trying to do it again but in a slightly different arena, the cold-hearted grilling ring.
Evander Holyfield is preparing to unveil the “Evander Holyfield Real Deal Grill,” a direct competitor to Foreman’s famous “Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine,” which has reportedly earned $100 million in sales since 1995.
CirTran Corp which is a huge manufacturing company based in Utah, approached Holyfield about promoting the $99 grill after he appeared on the TV show “Dancing With The Stars” in 2005. Holyfield sports an apron in a 30-minute infommercial that began airing last week describing his product’s culinary and health benefits.
Now is it possible for two old washed-up boxers to get anymore girly than that?
