Gals, have you ever been out on a first date with what you thought, at the time, was the woman of your dreams? For the first fifteen minutes of your first date, did you feel like you were the luckiest gal alive? Did you feel like you were floating on air? Then three hours later, you realize that the woman sitting across from you isn’t the woman of your dreams, but just another loser in a long line of them that you always seem to attract. To make matters worse, at the beginning of the date you invited her to come back to your place for coffee. Now what do you do! Gals, relax because help is here. Below are three surefire ways to get rid of a bad date fast.
P.S. The reason why I wrote three ways instead of six or ten is because according to an old superstition, “bad things always happen in threes.” So you see, there is a method to my madness!
Surefire Method 1:
Gals, repeatedly scratch your vagina and sniff your fingers in full view of your bad date. After the seventh time, hold your fingers up to your bad date’s nose and ask her in the most innocent voice that you can muster up, “Does it smell like my yeast infection is getting better to you? Do you think it’s contagious?”
Surefire Method 2:
Tell your bad date that you are a wild and crazy girl and want to have some real fun. Show her just how wild and crazy you are by taking out a copy of 1970’s one hit wonder Morris Albert’s yucky love song, “Feelings” and pop it into your karaoke machine. Proclaim this to be “Feelings” night and promise that before the night ends that you and your bad date will sing nothing but “Feelings” for eight hours straight.
Surefire Method 3:
Keep your promise and offer to make your bad date a cup of coffee but offer to make her a cup of your own “special brew” which can consist of anything that your bad date is not allergic to, will hurt her and dissolves easily in hot water such as caster oil or the juice from the liver and onions that you consumed for dinner last night. Don’t forget to serve your “special brew” of coffee with cream, sugar, splenda, or sweet n’ low on the side spiked with a little bran fiber.
If your bad date would prefer a cold beverage like iced tea, a soft drink, a glass of wine or a can of beer be sure to “spike” it too with something like a combination of pickle juice and strawberry extract or brussel sprout, seaweed and beet juice. And most importantly, don’t forget to add a garnish! Instead of using a slice of lemon, lime, cherry or a cocktail onion use a jalapeno pepper, small octopus with four legs dangling over one side of the glass and the other four legs dangling over the other side of the glass or a small dead fish head. Gals, if you do decide to use a fish head as a garnish make sure that the eyes are turned towards your bad date for maximum effect.
Gals, back in 1953, blond bombshell Marilyn Monroe said that “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend.” But I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, say that “Yeast Infections, Crappy Music and Coffee That Gives You A Stinky Runny Bowel Movement Are A Girl’s Best Friend” when it comes to getting rid of a bad date fast in the year 2007!
