(Loud Scream!) 2026 Delegates Needed To Win The Democratic Nomination!

2026, a number that was so close for John McCain to obtain (Hey, that rhymes! Cool!), but a number so damn far for Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to obtain.

Dammit!

I hate to say it but at this rate by the time either Hillary or Barack has enough delegates to win the Democratic nomination and run up against Republican John McCain, the 2008 presidential election will be over!

But on the bright and sunny side, at least the Democrats will already have a presidential candidate ready to run up against a Republican in the 2012 presidential election!

To finish reading the rest of this article please click on Loud Scream!

Why Am I The Last One To Know That Dick Cheney Has His Own Official Digs!

Hey!

Am I the only person in the United States of America who didn’t know that there was a Vice Presidential Mansion?

I feel so dumb!

I feel so left out!

I’m really hurt!

To think that I had to hear about this interesting fact on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno while he was telling a joke!

How come they didn’t teach this stuff back in the 70’s when I was in elementary school!

Damn catholic schools!

Why am I always the last to know things!

Why couldn’t I have read it in a text book in school just like everybody else!

Why must I always be left out of the loop!

I’m really hurt!

In fact, i’m devastated!

I just hope I have the fortitude to finish writing this story.

(Okay Tina, enough of this pity party, you can do it! Channel your emotions and finish writing this story! Okay?)

(Okay!)

P.S. I was briefly talking to myself but that’s over with now and i’m talking to you.

Anyhoo back to the show!

I mean, I knew that the Vice President lived somewhere, I knew the guy wasn’t exactly homeless or anything but I never thought that he had his own OFFICIAL residence!

To finish reading the rest of my story please click on Cheney’s Digs!

A Question For Lesbians: Can John McCain Handle The Britney Spears Vagina-Tampon Women Of Today?

I’m gonna’ make this article short but uncomfortable.

And i’m extremely proud of that!

Anyhoo, back to the show.

I betcha’ if a woman walked up to John McCain and said the word “vagina”, he would slap her across the face, call her a “creep” then stalk off in a huff because he would be so offended by a woman uttering the word “vagina” outloud in a public place.

Let’s face it, John McCain is “old school” and to keep it real, just plain old.

I betcha’ if a lesbian couple like Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi were to go up to John McCain and whip out a couple of tampons and wave them around teasingly in his face he would probably gasp loudly at seeing a lesbian couple and a couple of tampons in the same place, cover his eyes and grope his way to the nearest exit.

God, I would pay money to see that, but I digress.

So I pose this question to you…………………………….

“Can John McCain’s “old school” ass handle the Britney Spears vagina-tampon women of today?”

These women are brazen, fearless, shameless, ruthless and everywhere! They’re his new constituents! And they ain’t goin’ no where! They’re in rapid supply and they multiply!

(Long evil laugh!)

With women as young as teenyboppers flashing their vajayjays on YouTube or at any camera in hopes of furthering or jumpstarting their careers, could John McCain handle these women in his presidential tenure?

With women getting knocked up out of wedlock at the drop of a hat like it’s the latest fashion, can John McCain handle it?

With sex tapes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian making women with absolutely no talent household names and oodles and oodles of cash, can John McCain handle it?

This good ol’ boy is from a totally different generation from the Britney Spears vagina-tampon women of today.

With Jenna Jamison telling women how they can make love like a porn star and porn not being available in John McCain’s day, i’m going to ask all of you of there reading this article……………………..

“Can a conservative Republican like John McCain handle the Britney Spears vagina-tampon women of today?”

Please let me know.

Why Do Some States Even Show Up For The Miss USA Pageant?

It’s not like you’ve ever heard of Miss Iowa or Miss Idaho taking the crown in a beauty pageant. Well, at least not since the 1950’s, but I digress.

It’s always states like New York, California or Texas who wins.

Speaking of the devil, Miss Texas took home the crown at the Miss USA pageant this year. Surprise, surprise!

Personally, i’m so sick of the monopoly that the above states have on some of these beauty pageants. Do I smell a little payola going on?

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to legendary rock n’ roll disc jockey, Alan Freed! (Thank you white brother! Rock n’ Roll totally rules! I love ya’!)

I mean, New York, California and Texas need to step back and give other states a chance too no matter how ugly or untalented that their representatives may be.

Every state deserves a fair shot.

To finish reading the rest of my article please click on Miss USA.

“Happy Days” Washed-Up Star, Erin Moran Did It For The Money, Honey!

BOMBSHELL!

On the second to the last episode of VH1’s hit reality tv show “Celebrity Fit Club” washed-up 70’s sitcom star Erin Moran revealed that the only reason she did show was for the money.

Duh! That was so obvious! Look at you, you’re only like 124 pounds! It’s incredibly obvious that you didn’t need to lose any weight! Duh! Erin, we already know that you only did the show for the money because we haven’t heard from you in 24 years which means you haven’t worked in 24 years! Duh!

The only thing that I have to say about your “moment of truth” is girlfriend couldn’t you be a little more discreet!

Erin, I don’t want to hear that your broke!

To finish reading the rest of my article please click on Washed-Up 70’s Star.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell Would Make Any President A Perfect Personal Bodyguard!

Kevin Costner was Whitney Houston’s bodyguard and she said that she would always love him………………….

So Hillary, John and Barack whichever one of you guys or girl wins the presidential election, do yourselves a favor and spread the love!

Give this psycho-supermodel-chick a job as your personal bodyguard.

Because people, let’s face it, this chick is only a stone’s throw away from getting designer-booted from the modeling industry and every cellphone store on the planet.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

To continue reading the rest of my article please click on Naomi The Bodyguard!

I wonder what kinda’ soap do the presidential candidates use to get rid of the stench from a long hard day?

After a long hard day of lying, smiling and ass-kissing, I have always wondered one thing about the current presidential candidates.

What kind of soap do they use.

I know it ain’t a “rocket science” question but it’s certainly a relevant one.

I gotta’ keep it real!

I’m totally against a stinky-ass president in the White House and i’m sure Bill Clinton, Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain would agree.

To finish reading the rest of my article please click on I Luv Ivory Soap!

Hey Barack & Michelle Obama: For Your Campaign’s Sake, Shut Your Yaps!

Picture it! I’m using my best “valley girl” voice circa 1983.

Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.

Which was like sooo totally lame!

But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.

Which was like so grody to the max!

But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.

Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)

Anyhoo, before I say goodbye to the 80’s completely, (I love you Deborah Foreman and Nicholas Cage! You guys did an awesome job in the movie!) there is one thing that I have to say.

Hey Barack & Michelle Obama, shut your yaps!

I mean, haven’t you idiots learned anything?

To finish reading the rest of my article please click on Shut Your Yaps!

Hey Barack, Hillary & John: Shut Your Hole, Quit Bellyachin’ & Get Rid Of Kid Leashes!

Hey Barack, Hillary and John!

Shut your hole and quit bellyachin’!

When am I gonna’ hear you bozos address the important issues affecting America.

And yes, i’m talkin’ about those damn “kid leashes!”

By the way, my name is Kenny and i’m 4 years old!

Ya’ wanna’ make somethin’ of it?

I’m not happy to meet you cause’ i’m pissed off!

The reason why is that all of the big-wig politicians out there are so “concerned” about war, poverty and A.I.D.S.

When the hell are these bozos gonna’ address a real problem?

And yes, i’m talkin’ about those damn “kid leashes!”

All I need is for one damn politician out there to help me and millions of other kids out.

Hey Barack, Hillary or John, check out my story below if you can find the time. (By the way, i’m saying this very sarcastically!)

And Hillary, I thought you were a person so concerned with children’s issues. If you’re so concerned why ain’t you doin’ something about those damn kid leashes?

LIAR!

To read the rest of my article please click on Shut Your Hole & Quit Bellyachin’!

John McCain Is In Serious Need Of Some “Tongue” From Gene Simmons Of The Rock Band, KISS!

Hey, it worked for American Idol castoffs, Chikezie and Michael Johns!

And quite frankly, if it can work for those losers with vocal talent it sure as hell can work for a Republican with no vocal talent.

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to “Republican with no vocal talent” John McCain. Sorry, dog! You just would never make the cut on American Idol.

To finish reading the rest of my article please click on Tongue Daddy!

(Like Nails On A Damn Chalkboard!) The Spanish Channel Epidemic Is Driving Me Crazy!

Hey, party people!
Instablogs is the place to be, ho!

By the by, when I say the word “ho”, I am not referring to hooker, Ashley Dupre, i’m referring to the name Pimp Daddy Eliot Spitzer calls out when he comes inside Ashley Dupre, “ho!”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

To read the rest of my latest article please click on Ho!

In This Corner: Hillary “Rocky” Clinton! And In This Corner: Hillary “Rodham” Clinton! (The Italian Stallion vs. The Pushy Anti-George Bushy)

BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!

And pity the fool candidate without a mohawk who decides to come up against this scrappy Democratic beyotch.

At this time I would like to send a shout out to “pity the fool candidate without a mohawk,”
Barack Obama.

Hey Obama, don’t you wish your hair was hot like Mr. T’s?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

To read the rest of this article please click on Scrappy Democratic Beyotch!

(Insert Your Snicker Here!) John McCain Receives Endorsement From Heidi Montag! Oh No, She Didn’t!

Screw you Barbie Bush!
Screw you Ann Coulter!

There’s a new Republican sister on the block and it ain’t Jennifer Lopez.

Instead of having a big ass this chick has the biggest jackass of a boyfriend on the planet!
At this time, I would like to send a shout out to Spencer Pratt!

To read more of this article please click on Everybody Wants an Endorsement from Heidi Montag!

Can America Handle Having A Good-Looking President In The White House?

My answer is ……………………..

Hell to the no! (Thanks Whitney Houston for the kick-ass catch phrase! You totally rock when your stoned out of your mind!)

To read the rest of this article please click on Good-Looking Presidents Rule!

Fred Thompson Getting Back Into Acting After Making Pitiful Bid For President!

Mildly successful character actor, Fred Thompson just proves the old adage, “don’t be a stupid-ass and leave your well-paying day job for another job when you have absolutely no chance in hell of getting that job, i.e. becoming the 44th president of the United States.”

To read more of this article please click on “Fred Thompson for President? I don’t think so!”

George “Dubya” Bush and Dan Quayle had Rapper Ice-T’s “Cop Killer”, What will Obama, Clinton and McCain have?

With the 2008 presidential election only a couple of months away, I wonder if there is still time for a major controversy to arise like the “Cop Killer” controversy did back in 1992 that either the Democratic nominee or the Republican nominee can latch onto and take advantage of.

To read more of this article please click on the link below.

“Cop Killer” Controversy

Adultery is Out for Eliot Spitzer & His Hooker, Adultery is In for Nico & Kirby on Lipstick Jungle!

Define irony!

If Eliot Spitzer were an older female having an extramarital affair with a hot young guy half her age, he probably would still be in office.

To read more of this story please click on the link below.

Adultery is sooo in baby!

TOP TEN REASONS TO BE GLAD AL SHARPTON ISN’T RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008!

Number 10: If you are a White person and don’t vote for him, basically you are a racist.

Number 4: If he catches you buying a can of green olives at the supermarket basically you are a racist because you didn’t do the Reverend Jeremiah “Wright” thing and buy the black olives.

To read the rest of this article please click on the following link.

Al Sharpton is sooo gross!

First Lady Bill Clinton, Do You Think He Can Do The Job?

Being a former president, let’s face it, Bill Clinton has experience with first ladies not to mention White House interns, cigars, blue dresses and ugly women in general.
But I digress.

To read more of this article please click on the link below.

Bill Clinton would make a mighty fine First Lady and you know it!

Gay & Lesbian Politics: Didn’t Michelle Obama Learn ANYTHING From The Dixie Chicks?

“For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country,” Michelle Obama told a Milwaukee crowd on February 18th.

Oh MICHELLE, MICHELLE, MICHELLE!

Did you learn nothing from the Dixie Chicks?

When it comes to your country or your president hide your true feelings and LIE, LIE, LIE!